11/12/2014

I remember mama said you can't hurry love.



You know what's super-annoying?! Growing up and finally realising that your mother was right about stuff. That she was right aaaall along about stuff you simply refused to listen to and that she gave you amazing advice over the years, that you did not take and now you're almost thirty and don't have you life together and it could all have been so different IF YOU HAD JUST LISTENED TO HER!

Wow, this escalated somewhat. Anyhoo, I talked about this phenomenon with a friend recently and we started collecting all the amazing advice our mothers gave us. And today I am here to share it with you. Because our mothers apparently do know better. Which is a pain in the ass, since it's so much more fun when they're wrong.

(By the way, the picture above, on which I look like a red giant next to my tiny mother - we had just had a large beer together. I was hammered and feel asleep in the car about 10 minutes later. She was completely sober and drove said car home...)


1. "When it comes to winter apparel, there is no place for vanity!"

My entire teenage years I was freezing. Every year when winter rolled around, I started dreading every second of the day I had to spend outside. I would stubbornly wear my light denim jacket over a light cotton jumper, because that was an outfit that made me look thin and cute and also sort of cool. And sure enough - two days later I would lie in bed with a hot water bottle and my mother standing over me saying "I told you so!". Last year I bought a feather down parka. It is the warmest piece of clothing I have ever owned and the reason why I now can stay outside in wintertime. I look like the hungry hungry caterpillar in it, but really, who cares... (Actually I do care a tiny bit so please never ever take pictures of me in that damn thing or I will have to kill myself! Thanks.)


2. "Either he likes you or he doesn't!"

That's something my friend's mum told her and I think it's the best piece of dating advice I have ever heard. Either he is into you or he is not. It doesn't matter if you say something stupid or pick the wrong outfit or have lipstick on your teeth or accidentally laugh so hard that you fart in front of him. If he's into you he is, and if he's not - he's an asshat.


3. "A good sauce can make a meal!"

It really can. So start learning how to make a good sauce and stop using that generic stuff you can buy ready made!


4. "If you do a job, do it right. Otherwise it's twice the work. Once for you and then for the guy who has to do it properly!"

Since I started working at a real job I have found out that it's not only my mothers stance - it's apparently a common rule of the working life. Your future bosses will be impressed if you really act accordingly. Your studying time at university could have been reduced drastically if you had taken this piece of advice.  And Ron Swanson agrees, too. Well kinda...


5. "If these boys won't let you play in their treehouse - built your own treehouse!"

I was 6 years old and had built an amazing tree house with the boys who lived on the same street. When we were finished, the boys said that I couldn't play in the tree house since I was a girl. It was the first time I encountered sexist bullshit and the first time I spat in someone's face (it was disgusting. Even I thought so.). When I ran to my mother, crying dramatically, she simply told me "Well, then build your own tree house!". It is a distinct possibility that my mother simply wanted me to shut the fuck up, since she was bringing up two little girls and working full time and doing a lot of charity and community work, but she taught me something pretty amazing. If stupid people won't let you in on the fun: Make your own fun and make it better! (Just for the record, I never finished my own tree house, since I was shit at building tree houses. I made up with the guys and got to play in theirs. So maybe the real lesson is: Spit in peoples faces until they acknowledge you! ... No, that's probably not a good lesson. Never mind.)


6. "When you drink or do drugs at a party - it may be fun, but it's borrowed fun. You will pay for it the next day!"

Every time I wake up with a raging hangover I think about this sentence. Sadly, I rarely think about it the night before when I order my fifth gin and tonic...


7. "Eat your vegetables!"

Do it. You will feel good about yourself afterwards, most vegetables are actually delicious and you will have a "healthy-alibi". You know, when you're standing in line at Burger King and your inner monologue goes "Well, I had an apple at breakfast and a lot of greens and carrots for lunch, so it's not actually that unhealthy if I have a triple-cheeseburger and fried onion rings now..."


8. "Wear comfortable, warm shoes in which you can actually walk!"

I am convinced that I could have saved a fortune (!) on blistering plasters. I am also convinced that high heels are a violation to basic human rights. That said, I still buy shoes because I think they're pretty and not because I think they're comfy. But I'm getting better. And high heels are a bitch.

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