And there ain't no shame // everybody's waiting for a sunny day

Yesterday it smelled like summer. And something deep down inside of me stirred for the first time in months. I breathed in and it smelled like grass and sun and warmth and joy and a big smile stumbled across my face and settled there.

They say, that a new mother gets some sort of birth amnesia after her baby is born. She forgets how much it hurt and how miserable it was, because no woman in her right mind would ever get pregnant again, if she remembered all of it. I get the same thing with winter. I forget how dark, cold, wet and miserable it really is and by the time November rolls around, I'm actually giddy with excitement that it's Christmas soon. I forget that after Christmas there will be four months of disgusting weather and darkness.

By January, I am in full hibernation mode. I never leave my couch, I never go out. I only lie under a blanket, bingewatch tv shows and eat hot pumpkin soup. That's all I do. All I am able to do. But then - the sun comes out again. And then it's the first day, you have to take your jacket off outside. The first day, your feet sweat inside your trainers. The first day you sit outside with someone and drink red wine and walk home in the dark, with only a cardigan slung over your shoulders.

I never ever tire of this. The warmth, the sun, the barbecues. Even the mosquitos, the suffocating heat during the night, when you kick away your blanket and simply lie on your bed, sweating into the covers. I never tire of summer. Because when summer is gone, I am half-off. I am on standby mode. I cannot be bothered to do anything but function. It's when the warmth comes back around, that I feel alive. That I feel like I want to go on adventures and travel and do a thousand things before I die. Yesterday was the first day, I felt like that in a long time. Yesterday, it smelled like summer.

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